Do You Know Your Attachment Style?

The way we connect with other human beings-especially romantic partners-is biologically wired before we are even able to talk. This attachment style affects everything from our heart rate, respiration, and stress hormones to the very way we perceive the world and the people in it.

Secure vs. Insecure: The Basic Divide

There are two foundational attachment styles: "secure" and "insecure." Under the insecure umbrella, there are multiple distinct types of insecurity-avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. You might be relieved to know that experts estimate that 50% of all adults have an insecure attachment style. You are in very good company.

Let's break down the three insecure subtypes so you can recognize yourself:

• Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment tend to pull away when closeness increases. They value independence highly and may have difficulty asking for help or expressing vulnerability. They often feel suffocated by emotional demands.
• Anxious attachment: Anxiously attached individuals seek constant reassurance and may live in fear of abandonment. They often feel like they need to earn their partner's love and may become clingy or dependent when stressed.
• Disorganized attachment: This style involves both wanting closeness and finding it terrifying, often linked to early trauma. People with this pattern may oscillate between seeking connection and pulling away unpredictably.

Attachment Styles Are Not Life Sentences

If you feel doomed to repeat the same unhappy relationship patterns over and over again, please don't give up. With the right therapeutic support, anyone can move from an insecure to a secure attachment style. Researchers call this "earned security"-and it is very real.

One of the most powerful paths to earned security is through a healthy, responsive relationship-including a therapeutic one. This is one of the reasons I became a relational therapist. The relationship in the room is not just a vehicle for insight; it IS the healing. When you experience being truly seen, consistently cared for, and reliably met by another person, your nervous system literally begins to rewire itself. Over time and with repetition, you develop new neural pathways. You become more secure.

Find Out Your Attachment Style

Curious where you land? A good starting point is to take an evidence-based attachment style assessment. There are several validated tools available online-I recommend looking for ones based on the Experiences in Close Relationships (ECR) scale, which is widely used in attachment research. Once you have a sense of your style, you'll have a much clearer map for understanding why your relationships unfold the way they do.

Understanding your attachment style is not about labeling yourself or accepting limitation. It's about getting clarity. With clarity comes the ability to change. And change is absolutely possible.

Attachment is learned, and what is learned can be unlearned.