Are You a Runaway Lover?

You know the feeling. Your new dating partner is looking at you with those eyes…THOSE eyes. The eyes that say, "This is it. You're the one. I'm falling for you." Your heart starts pounding. Your breathing gets shallow. You feel yourself breaking out into a cold sweat. In that moment, your body tells you there is one answer and only one response to this situation…RUN!

You Might Be an Avoidant Attacher

If you find yourself repeating this scenario again and again, it's possible you are struggling with an insecure-avoidant attachment style. It's estimated that approximately 50% of the U.S. population struggles with insecure attachment. A smaller percentage struggles with a very specific type of insecure attachment known as insecure-avoidant attachment.

If you have insecure-avoidant attachment, you're not broken. You're not fundamentally incapable of love. What's happening is that your nervous system learned early that closeness equals danger. This isn't conscious-it's wired into your body's threat detection system, and it runs automatically.

The Push-Pull Pattern

If you have insecure-avoidant attachment, you might have difficulty starting and maintaining committed relationships. You are likely to find yourself becoming involved with people who feel overly attached or "clingy." When you are not in a relationship, you might long to be in one. But as soon as another person starts to get close, you feel the urge to run. After you run away, you might find yourself wondering why you left the relationship. You might even return to your partner, only to run away again. You repeat this pattern over and over again.

This is the push-pull cycle that feels maddening to everyone involved-not least to you. It's a survival mechanism, not a character flaw. Your nervous system is doing what it learned to do: it protects you when vulnerability feels dangerous. The problem is that the protection that helped you survive childhood is now keeping love at arm's length. It's designed to keep you safe, but it's also keeping you alone.

There Is a Way Through

You are not alone. Many people struggle with insecure-avoidant attachment. The good news is that attachment styles are not destiny-they are learned patterns, and what is learned can be unlearned. With the right therapeutic support, it is absolutely possible to move from an insecure-avoidant attachment style toward what researchers call "earned-secure attachment." That means you can learn to let love in-and keep it.

This transformation doesn't happen overnight. It requires patience, vulnerability, and often professional support. But it's deeply possible. When you work with a therapist who understands attachment, you're not just gaining insight into your patterns-you're literally rewiring your nervous system. The therapeutic relationship becomes a corrective experience: you learn that it's safe to be close, that your needs matter, that love doesn't mean losing yourself.

If you're ready to stop running and start connecting, I'd love to help. Therapy for attachment issues is something I've been doing for over 25 years, and watching someone go from guarded to genuinely open to love is one of the most meaningful things I get to witness in my work.